How to Meet your Child Where They’re at.

“Meet your child where they’re at.”
If you’re a parent or caregiver, you’ve probably heard this phrase everywhere from parenting books to social media to well-meaning relatives offering advice during the holidays. And honestly? It sounds wonderful… until you're in the middle of a family gathering and your child is refusing to greet relatives, melting down before dinner, or giving you a firm “nope” for the fifth time that afternoon. These behaviors are not very different to what I see in my classroom.

As a communication mentor and special education specialist, I’ve supported many families through these exact moments. And I’ll be the first to say: during the holidays when routines disappear, houses are crowded, and emotions run high, these moments feel even bigger.

We all know the feeling.
And we all think the same thing: I do not have all day to manage this.

So what do we actually do?

One mindset I recommend to families (and use myself!) is this: behavior is communication.
If a child isn’t listening or is pushing back, there’s a reason. Research in behavior analysis shows that every behavior has a function-a purpose even when it doesn’t look like it.

Often, those reasons look like:

The task or demand is too hard.
Holiday expectations-greeting relatives, sharing toys, staying at the table, tolerating loud environments, can feel huge. When kids feel overwhelmed, their brains default to avoidance. (Cognitive load theory explains why kids shut down when demands exceed their capacity.)

They aren’t motivated.
From a behavioral science perspective, kids repeat behaviors that lead to something enjoyable and avoid those that don’t. Asking a child to “perform” polite holiday behavior in a crowded room isn’t exactly motivating.

The instructions weren’t clear enough.
Research from educational psychologist Barak Rosenshine, known for developing the well-established Principles of Instruction, shows that children learn and follow expectations more easily when directions are simple, clear, and broken into small steps. This applies at home just as much as it does in the classroom.

They genuinely don’t understand the expectation.
Some kids need modeling, visuals, extra warm-up time, or smaller steps. It’s not that they won’t do it; they might not know how yet especially in a noisy, overstimulating environment.

And during holiday gatherings where noise, excitement, sugar, and unfamiliar faces all collide- these challenges can pop up even more often.

When you figure out the why, everything changes.
You can adjust the expectation, offer support, break tasks into tiny steps, provide choices, or give the child a quiet space to regroup. Sometimes, skipping an expectation is the most compassionate choice, and that’s okay.

“Meeting children where they are” doesn’t mean lowering standards.
It means understanding what your child can handle in this moment, in this environment, with these emotions. When we approach children with empathy, insight, and flexibility, they feel more supported and we see more cooperation.

In my next blog, I’ll share evidence-based strategies I use as a communication mentor and SPED specialist- practical, realistic tools for navigating challenging behaviors at home and during busy holiday gatherings.

Until then, I hope your home feels a little calmer, a little softer, and filled with enough holiday warmth to carry you through.